Many people are unconsciously doing this kind of behavior that deeply backstabs and hurts themselves! Stop it now!

If you want to make someone suffer, betrayal is the easiest way; if you want to destroy a relationship, betrayal is also the most effective way.

Everyone has experienced betrayal to varying degrees. From unmet desires in childhood, to humiliation from people you trusted while growing up, to the invisible trauma caused by alienation and indifference from your partner in an intimate relationship, to the repression and bitterness you have to endure silently in your career, betrayal leaves various traces in our lives in different forms.

However, in many cases, it is not others but ourselves who deceive us the most and hurt us the most. For example, do you suppress your true thoughts in order to gain vague recognition - from big things like getting married and having children, life choices to small things like refuting others and expressing anger?

Today let’s talk about “self-betrayal” hidden in our daily thinking patterns, behavioral habits, and emotional reactions.

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What is "self-betrayal"?

When faced with a choice, will you choose to ignore or even suppress your true inner desires and make decisions and behaviors against your will due to external pressure, the temptation of interests, and the expectations of others? When interacting with others, will you give up your own positions and principles and cater to the views and needs of others in order to avoid conflicts and maintain a harmonious atmosphere?

When we force ourselves to give in without principles and obey without boundaries, we betray ourselves with our actions.

In other words, the victim of self-betrayal is oneself, and the perpetrator is also oneself.

Self-betrayal in behavior will inevitably lead to self-betrayal in thought. When what we think and what we do are inconsistent, we will fall into cognitive conflict, which will lead to psychological discomfort and disharmony. In order to get rid of this discomfort and disharmony, we will begin to question our beliefs, and those principles that were once as solid as a rock will seem to become shaky.

For example, a person who is used to independent thinking may have to blindly follow the opinions of others under team pressure. Later, he may doubt his independent thinking ability and think that going with the crowd may make him more accepted and more sociable.

For example, you encounter something that makes you very angry. You can no longer suppress your anger, but your mind is thinking: if you express your anger, others may think you are emotionally unstable, which will break the harmonious atmosphere. So, you tell yourself: just bear it, it will pass, don't exaggerate the matter, you must be too sensitive.

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According to cognitive dissonance theory, when we act in a way that is inconsistent with our beliefs, our beliefs tend to change to align with our behavior. This dissonance drives us to do everything we can to narrow the gap between our beliefs and behaviors in order to achieve some kind of functional unity.

At the same time, cognitive dissonance is often accompanied by profound self-denial and self-attack. We may deny our own value, doubt our own abilities, feel that we are worthless and unable to change the status quo; we may also attack ourselves, blame our own choices, and fall into the emotional quagmire of guilt and self-blame, unable to extricate ourselves. For example, we may think that we dare not point out the loopholes in our colleagues' opinions because we are timid and cowardly and lack courage, and then blame ourselves for not being more decisive and confident.

Self-betrayal from behavior leads to self-betrayal from thoughts. The discomfort and disharmony caused by the tug-of-war between behavior and thoughts will make us feel extremely anxious and painful. In order to free ourselves from this inner struggle, we will choose to suppress or ignore our true emotions, which constitutes emotional self-betrayal.

When we go against our own feelings, ignore our own needs, give up our own interests, and dare not be our true selves in order to meet external expectations or standards, self-betrayal will be like a whirlpool, engulfing us in endless confusion and pain. In "self-betrayal", we are both the victim and the perpetrator, and inevitably, we also suffer double the blow.

Why does one “betray oneself”?

"Self-betrayal" is sometimes unavoidable. Everyone plays multiple roles in life, and everyone has relationships with more than one person. In such an interweaving, we try our best to balance the needs and expectations of all parties, but often feel powerless and difficult to do everything.

When personal desires, responsibilities, and goals overlap or even conflict with each other in terms of time and resources, choosing one and giving up the other becomes a necessity, and betrayal will naturally follow.

The most typical example is that young people want to enjoy the freedom and freedom of single life, but their parents think that marriage and having children are important stages in life, and their expectations of life are inconsistent. In this case, should they insist on their own choice and hurt their parents' feelings? Or should they give up their own pursuits in accordance with their parents' wishes? This dilemma will push people into the trial of self-betrayal, either betraying their own needs to be happy or betraying their desire to make their parents happy.

When the "self" becomes the betrayer and perpetrator of the "self", it is like a hidden agent, silent but able to kill with one blow. Self-betrayal is good at wearing various invisible disguises, hiding in our daily thinking patterns, behavioral habits and emotional reactions. It is not as obvious as external enemies, so it is more difficult to prevent and resist.

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Several typical manifestations of "self-betrayal"

"Everything is indifferent" does not necessarily mean that you have seen through the world

"Indifferent people" all have this characteristic: study when you should study, but don't expect me to work hard; work when you should work, but don't ask me to make progress. Don't be happy with material things, be indifferent to fame and fortune; everything is up to fate, and be calm and indifferent. Buddhist learning, Buddhist work, Buddhist life, "no desire and no demand" seems to have become the life philosophy of the "Buddhist" group, not forcing, not clinging, not taking the initiative, and not rejecting. "Buddhism" seems to be detached and peaceful, but in fact it also expresses: I won't interfere with you, and you don't come to activate me.

"Buddha-like" is a collective unconscious psychological phenomenon of the times, which reveals the repression of inner needs. In extreme cases, this repression may turn into "negative hallucination". Negative hallucination is a concept in psychoanalysis, which refers to the negative, missing or even negative perception of an individual's external world or self-experience.

In short, beneath the "Buddhist" attitude lies unreleased emotional tension. The individual seems to feel a certain inner emptiness or insufficiency, but finds it difficult to express it accurately, so he simply responds in a negative way.

The reason why a person becomes "Buddhist" may be due to the long-term suppression and escape of his true needs, which is a rebound after excessively catering to the needs of others and constantly meeting the expectations of others. Therefore, the appearance of "no desire and no demand" is actually a silent resistance to the expectations of the outside world, but it is also a betrayal of self-needs, because it hinders individuals from exploring and realizing their true wishes and pursuits.

“Good temper, easy to get along with” may not mean emotional stability

Stay calm in the face of big things, and don't get upset in the face of small things; be able to endure for a while when encountering injustice, and be able to take a step back when facing conflicts. I don't know when it started, "emotional stability" became a criterion for choosing a spouse, and also became a standard for an adult.

However, we need to be vigilant that not all people who appear to be emotionally stable actually possess healthy emotional regulation abilities. Instead, they may be latently emotionally incompetent, trying to cater to society’s expectations of “maturity” and “stability” by suppressing, weakening, denying, ignoring, or even shutting down their emotions.

"Emotional inability" is a state of being unable to experience and express emotions, also known as emotional numbness. It is often used as a means of self-protection to avoid being criticized and denied by others due to "emotional loss of control" and to try to escape the pain caused by negative emotions. Over time, they gradually get used to not feeling their emotions, which puts them in a state of emotional indifference. Their inner world becomes neither ups nor downs, and emotional self-betrayal becomes a daily routine.

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"Thoughtful, thoughtful and reasonable" is likely to be passive agreement

Do you often worry about offending or disturbing others? Do you find it difficult to say no to requests or suggestions from others, fearing that you might disappoint them? Do you care about other people's opinions and comments, and are easily influenced by their views? Do you often compromise yourself to comply with the wishes of those around you, even if these wishes run counter to your personal ideas or interests?

How many times have you been told to be a "good kid" since you were a kid, to help others, to put others before yourself, to be considerate, and to think about others? These social rules instilled in us by adults have taught us how to quickly build our own social circles, but they have also made us fall into the dilemma of "good-girl-syndrome" without realizing it.

People with "good girl syndrome" tend to prioritize the wishes and needs of others and put the happiness of others above their own. This syndrome is common in people who have been taught to be kind, educated, and polite since childhood. Therefore, the thoughtfulness and consideration shown by "good girls" are not simply flattering behaviors, but an "introversion" of these moral norms deep in their hearts. It is worth noting that this syndrome is not exclusive to women. The survey found that many men also said that they felt trapped by the constraints brought by similar "good men" labels.

"Introjection" is a process of "absorbing" the external environment. In the process of growing up, especially in early childhood, through interaction with important others, we will unconsciously absorb and internalize their attitudes, behaviors, emotions and beliefs. This is a key way to build self-identity and personality traits, but it also hides the risk of suppressing the development of the true self. For example, a girl who is lively and cheerful by nature may be asked to become quiet and gentle; while an introverted and delicate boy may be forced to show an independent and strong side.

If "pleasing behavior" is a forced self-betrayal, then "introversion" is a more hidden unconscious identification, which attempts to align personal goals with the expectations of others. When personal goals are inconsistent with the expectations of others, under pressure, "introversion" will turn into a self-defense mechanism to avoid possible conflicts, criticisms or rejections by being forced to identify with others.

However, this process often makes people deviate from their "true self" unconsciously, which constitutes a deep self-betrayal. The belief of "being a good person" is like Sun Wukong using his golden hoop to draw a circle on the ground as a prison. It is both a manifestation of self-identification and a self-limitation and bondage.

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Conclusion

In the complexity of life, almost no one can completely escape the emotional vortex of "betrayal". We may have deceived the person closest to us at some inadvertent moment; we may also lick the wound of self-betrayal alone in the middle of the night. Whether it is betrayal by others or self-betrayal, the process of getting out of betrayal is always a game between oneself and oneself.

The essence of self-betrayal is to respond to others and yourself in a way that refuses to accept your true "self". However, working to reduce self-betrayal does not mean that you can ignore social rules or the feelings of others and do whatever you want. On the contrary, it requires us to take the discomfort and pain caused by "self-betrayal" as a valuable warning signal, prompting us to dig deeper into our inner world, examine past behaviors and decisions, explore our true needs and core values, and find the balance and boundary between our own needs and the expectations of others.

To overcome this dilemma, psychologist John Gottman's research provides us with useful inspiration. In his research on couples, he found a "magic ratio" for maintaining a healthy relationship: positive interactions: negative interactions > 5:1. This means that in a relationship, every negative feeling or interaction needs to be balanced by five positive feelings or interactions to ensure a healthy and stable relationship.

With this in mind, we can extend this concept of the “magic ratio” to the realm of personal growth and reducing self-betrayal. On a personal level, every time we experience guilt, regret, or resentment from self-betrayal (negative interactions), we should strive to counteract its effects through five acts of self-affirmation, acceptance, and positive action (positive interactions).

At the level of others, you don't have to be considerate of everything. Occasionally going against others doesn't mean the breakdown of the relationship or disrespect for others. On the contrary, moderate "going against" or expressing different opinions is an important part of a healthy relationship, which can promote understanding and growth for both parties.

In short, "self-betrayal" is neither right nor wrong, but it is an opportunity for change and growth.

References

[1] Karl. Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness and Human Strengths: 2nd Edition. Beijing: China Light Industry Press. 2013.

[2] Roland Miller. Intimate Relationships (8th edition). Beijing: Posts and Telecommunications Press Co., Ltd., 2024.

[3]HowSelf-BetrayalUnderminesFulfillment|PsychologyToday

[4]EmotionalUnavailability:Causes,Characteristics,andCoping(verywellmind.com)

[5]Misattributionofdutiesasfreechoices:Therolofemotionalawarenessinself-infiltration-ScienceDirect

[6]5WaystoStopBeingtheGoodGirlandStartGettingStronger|PsychologyToday

Planning and production

Author: Su Jing, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor

Reviewer: Fan Chunlei, Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences