If your parents suddenly become like "different people", there may be something wrong with their health! Be careful

Are you facing this situation: when you were a child, you were most afraid of calls from your class teacher; when you started working, you were most afraid of calls from your boss; after you started a family, you became most afraid of calls from your parents. It's not that you don't like your parents, nor are you alienated from them, but every time the phone rings, you always worry that it's someone calling to scold you, complaining about what you've done wrong.

This "trouble" is not limited to phone calls. Before going home from get off work or visiting parents on weekends, their "trouble" is endless:

· While enthusiastically urging you to eat more, they can’t help but complain, “You eat so much and have become so fat, why don’t you pay attention to your image?”;

· On one hand, they accuse you of being "too busy to even go home, you are so heartless", while on the other hand, they complain that "seeing you makes me annoyed, and I have to run around and cook for you";

· On the one hand, they nag you to take better care of yourself and stop working overtime and staying up late, while on the other hand, they complain about you for being so lazy and sleeping all the time on weekends;

· They may even lose their temper all the time, be dissatisfied with everything, and curse at you with all kinds of nasty words, repeating over and over again, "I am so unlucky to have raised a thing like you";

They become more and more unreasonable, only seeing things from their own perspective, never considering how these words will affect you, as if no matter what you do, they can't be satisfied. These "sharp words" of your parents cut you one knife after another.

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What is even more difficult to accept is that these parents are completely different from their past selves. They used to be open-minded, easy to communicate with, gentle and patient. But now, as they grow older, they seem to have become a different person - impatient, sensitive, stubborn, and even unreasonable. Many times, their temper comes without any signs, and a small matter can trigger a "storm". Faced with such changes, we find it difficult to adapt and are full of doubts: Why do they start to "rebel" when they are old? !

If a parent suddenly becomes difficult

"An old person in the family is like a treasure." However, I don't know when this "treasure" gradually changed to another meaning - "old child". Many people began to have such a stereotype: the elderly are stubborn and unreasonable, emotional and "willful", like a child, angry, needing to be coaxed, irrational, easy to deceive, difficult to serve and difficult to get along with. However, psychological research has found that this stereotype is not only biased, but even contrary to the facts. The Socioemotional Selectivity Theory shows that as people age, their perception of time changes, they will pay more attention to emotional satisfaction, tend to stay away from conflicts and pursue harmony. Therefore, the elderly often show stronger emotional intelligence, are better at looking at problems from a long-term perspective, know how to weigh the pros and cons, and will not be easily disturbed by the setbacks or trivial matters in front of them. Therefore, if you feel that your parents have become difficult to get along with, there is a possibility that it is not that they have really become "difficult to deal with", but that they have always been like this. It's just that in the past, their attention was more distracted by various affairs in work and life, and they didn't have time to devote too much emotion and energy to us, so we didn't feel it deeply.

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Now, as they gradually withdraw from their busy working lives and have more leisure time, their focus is naturally more on their families and children, so they appear to be "on fire". Their emotions, needs, and thoughts are beginning to be directed at us. But this is not because they are deliberately making things difficult, but because the shift in the focus of life has made them more dependent on their families, and they hope to regain their sense of existence and value through interaction with us. Of course, there is another situation. If the "troublesome" behavior of parents has only appeared recently, we need to be extra vigilant. Obvious changes in the emotions, personality, or behavior of the elderly may be warning signs of more serious health problems, such as depression, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, or even early symptoms of diseases such as stroke.

Physical pain triggers emotional pain

Aging is more than just a decline in physical organs. It is a process of change in both the body and mind. As physical functions decline, chronic diseases, reduced mobility, and physical pain often go hand in hand. However, the impact of pain goes far beyond physical torture. It can also cause deep emotional pain.

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Long-term chronic diseases (such as arthritis, cardiovascular disease) and persistent pain can make the elderly feel frustrated, depressed and even irritable, and they may behave "unreasonably" or "difficult to get along with". In addition, the decline of sensory functions such as hearing or vision may make it easy for the elderly to misunderstand the intentions of others, or feel isolated and anxious because they cannot clearly perceive the external environment. These emotional problems are often the result of the combined effects of physical and psychological stress.

Emotional pain superimposed on social pain

Emotional pain is a more personal pain that is often triggered by negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, anger, or loss. For example:

Older people may feel powerless or frustrated due to the decline of physical functions, or may fall into sadness and loneliness due to the death of a partner.

Social pain comes more from external interpersonal relationships or harm in social interactions, such as:

Being ignored by family members and feeling unwanted, feeling worthless because of society’s marginalization and discrimination against the elderly.

Although emotional pain and social pain seem different, they are often intertwined. For example, the elderly feel lonely and sad (emotional pain) because they are ignored by their family or marginalized by society (social pain); conversely, emotional loss or depression may make them more sensitive, or even mistakenly believe that they are being excluded, thereby aggravating social pain. In addition, the helplessness caused by physical pain or illness (emotional pain) may also make the elderly lose confidence in social interaction and actively reduce contact with others. This social isolation will in turn increase loneliness and interpersonal alienation (social pain). The superposition of this double pain will cause the elderly to fall into a deeper psychological dilemma, such as emotional instability, sensitivity and irritability, and even loss of interest in life.

The spiral of physical, emotional, and social pain

Even more worrying is that the neural connections between emotional pain, social pain, and physical pain have been confirmed by multiple studies. Emotional pain can trigger or intensify physical pain, and social harm may also bring real physiological reactions. For example, the cold eyes or contemptuous attitude of others may not only make people feel lonely (social pain), but also make individuals feel real coldness (physical pain).

How to deal with parents’ unreasonable behavior?

If your parents change in mood, behavior, or even personality, and become mean, unreasonable, or angry, and can’t be coaxed or listened to, please don’t be discouraged. As a responsible adult child, we need to be deeply aware that the problem is often not one-sided. If we only focus on the problematic behavior of our parents and ignore the relationship between them and the reasons behind it, it will be difficult to really get out of the predicament.

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Parents who suddenly become difficult to get along with are not acting capriciously or deliberately looking for trouble. They actually cannot help themselves. Behind this behavior, there may be physical health problems, which require timely medical treatment and identification of the cause; or it may be that psychological and emotional needs are not met, and more understanding and attention are needed. In either case, parents' "difficulty to get along with" is often a signal for help from you in an inarticulate way. Therefore, in the face of parents' harsh words, nitpicking, and even unreasonableness, choosing to calmly dismantle this "emotional bomb" is a challenge you must take.

1

Listen more, fight less

Parents' complaints and temper tantrums may be their attempts to express their inner anxiety and needs. You can actively listen to their thoughts and patiently ask, "Do you feel uncomfortable in any way recently?" or "What makes you unhappy?" Listening and understanding can alleviate their negative emotions better than arguing or reasoning.

2

Meeting parents’ emotional needs

Behind parents' emotional behavior may be their desire for companionship and attention. Try to spend more time with your parents, take the initiative to communicate with them, and ask about their feelings and needs. Even if it's just having a meal together or chatting about daily trivial matters, they can feel your care and attention. Studies have found that calling your parents every day can effectively alleviate their loneliness and anxiety. Even a brief greeting can make them feel cared for and concerned.

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3

Build an "emotional shield" to protect yourself

Sometimes, even if you have done your best to care and accompany them and try to meet their needs, you may still not get their understanding and affirmation, and even have to endure their emotional storms and negative words. However, at such moments, we need to remind ourselves: parents may feel worse than us. Behind their emotional behavior, there is often unspoken pain, anxiety or helplessness. Therefore, try to build a self-protective "emotional shield" and do not take your parents' curses and accusations personally, but regard them as the externalization of their inner pain. Next time, when your parents lose their temper with you, take a deep breath and tell yourself: "This is their emotion, not my problem." Let those sharp words slide from behind you instead of staying in your chest.

4

Give yourself a break

Caring for a difficult parent can be physically and mentally exhausting, so it’s important to learn how to de-stress yourself. Taking some time off to do things that make you feel relaxed and happy, such as hanging out with friends, playing sports, or taking a short trip, can help you regain your energy and better deal with your parents’ mood swings. Remember, you can only help your parents better if you maintain a healthy mental state yourself. Many times, what we lack is not reason, but a heart willing to accept ourselves. We may not be able to slow down the pace of our parents’ aging, nor can we bear their physical pain, but we can turn around and hug them when they lose their temper in the same way they once gently comforted us when we were young, and respond to their uneasy and anxious emotions with the patience they once had when they soothed our tears.

References

[1] Grace LeBeau. (2018). If your parents are difficult to get along with in old age. Acorn Culture. ISBN: 9789579001588

[2] Louis Aronson. The Silver Generation: Redefining Old Age, Rethinking the Healthcare System, and Reconstructing Older Life. Beijing: CITIC Publishing Group. 2022.

[3] David Myers. (2016). Social Psychology (11th Edition). Posts and Telecommunications Press Co., Ltd. ISBN: 9787115410047

[4]Emotion dynamics across adulthood in everyday life: Older adults are more emotionally stable and better at regulating desires.

[5]Elderly Behavior Change: Caregiving Information - AgingCare.com

[6]How to Cope With a Senior's Complaining and Negativity - AgingCare.com

Planning and production

Author: Su Jing, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor

Reviewer: Fan Chunlei, Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

Planning丨Fu Sijia

Editor: Fu Sijia

Proofread by Xu Lai and Lin Lin