Three steps to emotional management

This is the 4061st article of Da Yi Xiao Hu

There is such a magical power in each of us. It can make you energetic or depressed; it can make you calm and rational or make you irritable; it can make you live a peaceful and calm life or make you anxious all day long. This magical power that can change our feelings is emotion.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him to hammer a nail into the fence every time he lost his temper. On the first day, the boy hammered in 40 nails! Gradually, the number of nails he hammered in each day decreased. He gradually learned to control his temper. Finally, one day, the boy stopped losing his temper.

The father told him that from now on, every time he could control his temper, he should pull out a nail. Days passed, and finally the boy told his father that he had finally pulled out all the nails. The father took his hand and went to the backyard and said, "You did a good job, my child. But look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be restored to its original state. The words and actions you said and did when you were angry will leave scars like these nails. No matter how many times you say sorry, the wound will always be there. If we cannot manage our own emotions well, it will cause irreversible consequences."

Each of us has times when our emotions get out of control. Many negative emotions will affect our work and life, and we need to control and manage these negative emotions.

Emotional management means being good at controlling yourself, regulating your emotions, and being able to resolve the reactions caused by conflicts and events in life in an appropriate manner, as well as being able to relieve the tense psychological state in a timely manner with an optimistic attitude and humor.

So how do you manage your emotions?

1. Emotional awareness

In fact, emotions are a spontaneous reaction, and it is difficult to control them with reason. When emotions come, observe and be aware of what emotional state you are in. Always remind yourself: What is my current emotion? How do I feel now?

For example, when you make a cold remark to a friend because he is late for a date, ask yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" If you notice that you are already angry at your friend for being late repeatedly, you can better handle your anger.

To manage your emotions, you must first admit that you have negative emotions. You must know that everyone has emotions, and suppressing emotions will bring worse results. Learning to understand your own emotions is the first step in managing emotions.

2. Expression of emotions

The basic principle of expressing emotions is to focus on the matter rather than the person, to discuss the matter at hand, and to seek truth from facts. This will neither hurt yourself nor others.

For example, a friend is late for a date, and you blame him: You are always late for a date, why don’t you consider my feelings? When you blame someone, it will also cause him to have negative emotions. He will become a hedgehog, busy defending against external attacks, and unable to stand in your position and think about you. His reaction may be: Do you think I don’t want to be on time? There are so many cars on the road, what can I do?

The verbal expression of emotions is an important aspect of our daily communication with others. The appropriateness of the verbal expression of emotions is related to the emotional tone of the conversation between the two parties and plays an important role in the smooth progress of cooperation. The quality of verbal expression does not depend on whether you are eloquent or whether the language is refined, but on whether the effect can promote a positive interaction between the two parties.

You can describe the behavior that bothers you or makes you feel uneasy. It is important to note that you can only describe the behavior itself and not blame the person involved.

For example: "You are already 10 minutes late."

You can express your feelings about the possible consequences of your behavior.

For example: “I am very unhappy.”

The consequences may be stated.

For example: "I'm so worried that you might get into an accident on the road." "I feel like you don't care about me." "When... I feel... because..."

When expressing ourselves, we should pay attention to the following: absolutely no scolding, try to avoid getting angry, express emotions clearly, and express positive feelings.

3. Emotional relief

Emotion is a kind of energy. Energy cannot be destroyed but can only be transformed. So we must learn to transform the energy of emotion to relieve it. Emotion can be transformed in the form of kinetic energy, sound energy, text, etc., such as walking, fitness, playing ball, dancing, bathing, crying, singing, talking to friends, engaging in hobbies, writing diaries, and creating a pleasant living environment for yourself. It must be pointed out that the experience, understanding, expression, and venting of emotions should be based on improving oneself, improving interpersonal relationships, being conducive to harmony with others, and being conducive to active competition. It should achieve the state of civilized behavior and healthy body and mind.

Author: Shanghai Fengxian District Mental Health Center

Psychiatry Department Attending Physician Wang Chunlian

Wang Jinde Attending Physician