Don't wait for your soul mate.

Leviathan Press:

We often fall into a misunderstanding, that is, we expect to solve all problems in life, including emotional problems, in a way that will solve them all once and for all. The most embarrassing thing about this kind of thinking is that it completely ignores the fluidity and uncertainty of all things, and only leaves laziness and the desire for eternal change. More importantly, if one party falls into the expected mode of "love at first sight", it is easy to become a person who escapes from his own problems and responsibilities. This is not to say that pursuing a soul mate is wrong in itself. After all, everyone desires beautiful love. It's just that we also need to constantly reflect on ourselves. After all, whether a relationship is beautiful depends on two people. There is even some philosophical meaning here: give up the desire for eternity, reconcile with the finite, and explore your inner nature.

Do you believe in true love? Perhaps you would answer yes. In 2019, a survey by the statistics company Statista showed that 94% of Americans believe in true love. I am one of them. My true love and I have been married for 30 years.

I think there is no big debate about the existence of true love. But most Americans have a more romanticized view of love than a realistic one. According to a 2017 survey by the dating site Elite Singles, 61% of women and 72% of men believe in love at first sight. In 2011, a Marist poll asked the question, "Do you believe in soul mates, that two people are destined to be together?" 74% of men and 71% of women answered "yes."

For many who answered “yes,” these widespread, almost magical romantic notions may be the essence of true love. Others may prefer a more realistic view of love, one that, in the long run, true love is a combination of good luck, free will, and hard work. Evidence suggests the latter view is correct. And, indulging in romantic fantasies makes it harder to find and maintain love.

Many studies have shown that mainstream culture and the media tend to portray love and romance in an overly rosy way, with the protagonists often falling in love at first sight and living happily ever after. For example, a study of Disney animated films found that most of them were based on this theme. This may in turn influence the romantic views of children and young people.

A 2002 study of 285 unmarried college students found a strong correlation between the amount of time they watched romantic TV shows and their desire for romantic marriage, for both men and women. A 2016 study found that girls who had recently watched a romantic movie were more "believing in idealistic romantic love" than other girls.

Love at first sight is popular in novels and movies, but the reality is quite the opposite. Researchers have found that what people call "love at first sight" has nothing to do with the characteristics of true love, including passion, intimacy and commitment. Instead, it is just a word people use to romanticize the process of meeting two people (regardless of the actual situation) or to describe strong physical attraction.

Although love at first sight is a fantasy, believing in it is not very harmful to couples because it describes the past, not an expectation of a present or future relationship. But other idealistic, unrealistic ideas can have a huge negative impact. For example, the idea of ​​destiny, or the term "soulmate" - the idea that two people are brought together by invisible forces.

A study of hundreds of college students found that this assumption can lead to unhealthy patterns in relationships, such as believing that your partner will be able to understand and predict your wishes and expectations without much effort or communication because they are meant for each other. In other words, believing in fate can lead to believing that your partner can read your mind.

Such thoughts can damage relationships. For example, couples may be less likely to reconcile after a fight ("You know I don't like this, even without me telling you!"), which in turn can exacerbate the pain and escalate the conflict. Researchers have also found that people who believe in destiny are more likely to end a relationship by "disappearing," where one partner suddenly disappears without a word from the other, leaving the other partner to suffer the breakup without explanation. Perhaps when people are looking for a soul mate, if they feel that a relationship is not meant to be, they will feel less responsible for their partner.

The opposite of “fate” is free will, the idea that a relationship is determined by two people and that they are therefore responsible for it. Lest that sound unromantic, researchers have produced clear evidence that the more people believe in free will, the more passionate they are in their relationships.

© Lifehacks.io

Ultimately, believing in a predestined relationship is subject to the "arrival fallacy" - the belief that once you reach a certain point, everything will be fine forever. Believing in a soul mate is like believing that you'll find true and lasting satisfaction when you get a stable job, become financially independent, or move to a sunny place. Nothing is more human than this belief, and it helps us maintain hope in dark times. But it only drives away unhappiness. We can't achieve permanent satisfaction - at least not in this world, where waiting for such a moment will lead us to disappointment again and again.

If you're looking for the right relationship, here are three ways to avoid this trap.

First, remember that Hollywood romances are not the benchmark for your relationships. When you get lost in a romantic comedy, think about its actors and behind-the-scenes. According to the UK Marriage Foundation, 52% of "A-list" movie stars have been married (either for the first time or for subsequent times) for less than 16 years. When the divorce rate in the United States was highest, the proportion of marriages that did not exceed 16 years was 42%, and the highest divorce rate occurred in the 1970s. The divorce rate for Americans who first married in the 1960s was 32%. The average divorce rate in the UK is 31%. Even filmmakers can't live up to the hype they put on the screen. If necessary, you can occasionally watch romantic comedies as entertainment, just like science fiction movies, because they are just as unreal.

Second, work on your relationship and make sure your romance is more than just the white-hot fire of passion. It's unrealistic to maintain passion in love forever, and even if you do, it won't make you happy. Instead, the happiest and longest-lasting romances are those that are able to transform passion into friendship. The passion is still there, but fundamentally, it's built on a deep friendship. As love deepens, to reap the fruits of love, don't ask yourself, "Are we still as passionate as we were at the beginning?" Ask, "Have we deepened our friendship?"

Finally, ask the other person from the beginning if he/she believes in destiny. Some people say they are looking for a "soulmate" or believe in love at first sight, which may be a very wonderful start, but after a few weeks or months, he/she may blame you for not being able to read his/her heart, and thus be disappointed in you, or suddenly stop replying to voice messages, text messages, private messages or emails. It is better to find someone who is realistic.

Lasting love is not some cosmic switch that mysteriously flips on and off. Rather, it is a thermometer that warms over time as we make and keep our promises to each other. The pursuit of romantic love, like anything else important, is only achieved through hard work and only fulfilled through a job well done.

Shakespeare wrote in his Sonnet 116:

"Love will never change with the passing of time, but will last forever, even until the end of the world." True love will keep going, even if the road is sometimes bumpy. Difficulties and lows do not mean that the two parties are doomed to be unsuitable. These are inevitable and are opportunities for each other to grow. It is precisely because love is not determined by fate that long-term romance becomes a sweet adventure.

By Arthur C. Brooks

Translated by Rachel

Proofreading/Yord

Original text/www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/09/soul-mates-love-destiny/620014/

This article is based on the Creative Commons License (BY-NC) and is published by Rachel on Leviathan

The article only reflects the author's views and does not necessarily represent the position of Leviathan